It’s hard to meditate on the Sorrowful Mysteries when your heart is full of joy

I’ve been a Catholic for nearly sixteen years now and I still remember that first Lenten season as a very special and wonderful time in my life. I was received into Holy Mother Church at the Easter Vigil of 1996 and I still get tears in my eyes when I remember it. I loved the Church then. I love her more now. And I love Christ. There was a time when I thought I’d never be able to say that, and that I would never want to say that. But I fell in love with the Church and the Church led me to the Lord. I can truly say now what I said wanting to mean it all those years ago: I want Christ to draw me closer, ever closer to Him. I want to sit at the foot of the Cross and gaze upon Him, upon His beauty, in the sanctuary.

My heart is full of joy and consolations tonight. Ever since I made the commitment to return to Daily Mass, God has been pouring such grace and so many graces into my soul that I can hardly bear it. Grace upon grace upon grace, many consolations. He has deepened my ongoing conversion, He has shown me so many things, taught me so much. At every turn He has shown me something new or has revealed a depth I had not suspected was there. He has led me to places, I’ve been there at exactly the right moment and I know His hand guided me. Oh, when I listen to Him, when I let Him lead me, it is truly marvelous what He will do. He is teaching me, showing me how to become, how to be, a true disciple.

I have so much to learn. Such a long way to go. So many obstacles to remove, barriers to loving Him the way He wants me to love. So far to go…

I know it’s Lent, a time of penance and entering into the sorrowful mysteries of Christ’s Passion. I know I’m supposed to be making a retreat with the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius, and we’re supposed to be meditating upon those sorrowful mysteries and focusing on them, trying to really enter into them and not feel too much joy right now so that we can feel that joy at Easter with all the more intensity. But at this moment my heart is so full of joy that I cannot keep it from welling up within me and overflowing and bubbling out all over the place.

"Were not our hearts burning within us while He spoke to us on the way and opened the Scriptures to us?"

And yet at the same time I am aware of so much suffering around me. I’ve been praying at two different abortion mills during Lent (during the 40 Days for Life Spring campaign and at another mill in town that is a year-round vigil site) and so far I’ve only missed three days. I’ve talked with so many people and they’ve shared their stories with me. Stories of opportunities lost and lives lost and dreams turned into nightmares… My heart suffers and breaks along with theirs. And when I hear their stories of turning around, of changed hearts and minds, love wells up within me and I know this must sound sentimental or “emo” or silly to some, but it’s much more than that.

I feel this same love when people don’t agree with me and even look down on me for being religious, being Catholic, being any sort of Christian at all. For being pro-life. For leaving Buddhism to become Catholic. “How could you?!” They think I’ve taken a giant step backward. I know I’ve made a quantum leap forward. If Buddhism helped me grow more compassionate than I already was and gave me insight into myself and others, Catholicism has expanded my heart and mind to such a degree that the world now seems a completely different place than the one I knew before. And every day when I hear the readings at Mass it is as if the Lord were speaking directly to me and every word seems to come straight from the mouth of God. It has all come alive for me. The studying has become living, living has become studying, and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to sleep tonight because the Lord has shown me so much that I feel like I’m on fire.

I hope you’re having a good and fruitful Lent as you prepare for the celebration of Easter. May the Lord richly bless your Lenten efforts and pour out upon you the riches of His grace and give you peace. Amen.

And, Joe, if you’re out there, I haven’t forgotten our conversation or what I said I’d do. I will post what I can as soon as I can.  And even though you told me you don’t pray, know that I do and I’m asking for blessings and graces for you, too. Peace be with you.

2 thoughts on “It’s hard to meditate on the Sorrowful Mysteries when your heart is full of joy

  1. SR

    Hey Disciple,

    I loved this post. I love it also as you brought back the memories to me, as to when I was received into the Church. Lent is also a special time of the year for me. No one knows do they, except for us, what a wonderful gift the Church truly is? I think we know, because we know what it is to live without her.
    I will pray for your “suffering heart.” When my heart “suffers” I try and remember this: “Jesus loves me so much that He is letting me feel a “portion” (and I mean small portion) of how His heart felt and feels.” That helps me. Thank you so much for the work you do in your walk with Christ.
    God Bless, SR


    1. Thank you for the kind and warm words, SR. It’s not me, it’s Christ in me, I know this. Things have happened to me almost every day since before Lent began, starting as soon as I made a commitment to the Lord to go to Daily Mass and asked Him to draw me closer to Him. It’s been…amazing. And it’s not because of me, although I have played my part in it, but it is really Christ working in and through me. I am learning so much from Saint Paul. He has been teaching me for years but especially now.

      Yes, we know what it is like not to have Holy Mother Church. I would not want to go back to living without her. Every day I am learning what it means that we Christians are here to bring the Light and Love of Christ to the world. I want to radiate the Love of Christ to everyone I meet. I focused on that today while a hostile woman yelled at me on the sidewalk. I just let her yell and I kept praying and walking, adding her to the ones I was praying for. Even her abuse did not stop me from loving her. Note: Loving her, liking her and approving of her behavior are not the same things. I don’t know if I like her or not, and I certainly thought her behavior was rude and motivated by some turmoil of her own. I’m there to shine the Light of Christ into the world, the Light that I receive daily in Holy Communion and from hearing the Word of God. That’s what being a Christian is really about. Love.

      Peace be with you, SR. I’m behind on everything even further than I was. But I don’t have the energy to do anything right now but read over the readings for tomorrow’s Mass and then sleep. Hope you’re having as transformative a Lent as I am, entering more deeply into the interior life of discipleship and closer to union with Christ. Thanks be to God! :)


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